I had thought I could jump right back into work but I didn't take into account that I would be a completely different person from the minute Ben was born. See, I am a bit of an overachiever - obsessed with my work since the day I started my shop. Before Ben, I spent the majority of my time working, building Two Pooch Paperie and loving every minute of it. If I wasn't working, I was thinking about working. Two Pooch was my baby. But now I had a newborn and a whole bunch of crazy postpartum hormones.
I spent most of my pregnancy trying to prepare for the actual labor, since it was what terrified me most. That and breastfeeding. I had heard so many stories about how hard it can be and I tried to learn everything I could so that I would be ready for the challenge. Turns out, those two things were the least of my problems. Don't get me wrong, labor was no walk in the park. But in the grand scheme of things - it was just 8 or 9 hours of crazy pain. And then it was done. The next two and a half months, well that was a different story.
A day after we came home with Ben I really wasn't feeling well. I chalked it up to the fact that I just gave birth but something told me to check my blood pressure, since it had been a bit high in the hospital. It was up around 200/105. We were told to get to the hospital and I was admitted for preclampsia. Apparently, for some women, this can happen up to several weeks after delivery. We spent the next 48+ hours in the hospital, trying to figure out a newborn and nurse him while I was on a magnesium drip and confined to a bed. Good times!
I was sent home on a ridiculous amount of blood pressure medicine which has lovely side effects such as a tingly scalp, dizziness, lightheadedness and muscle fatigue. Combine that with little to no sleep, the emotional post partum roller coaster and the realization of a completely new life and you have one big hot mess. I desperately wanted to get off the medication and became obsessed with checking my blood pressure, thinking that it would just magically switch back to normal one day soon. Well I can tell you that's not how it works. Remember how I said I was an overachiever? Here's where that quality becomes a negative. I started putting so much pressure on myself to get my blood pressure back to normal that I started having panic attacks whenever I would think about it. Which was ALL. THE. TIME. On top of that, whenever Ben would cry I would get worked up which made me worry that it would make my pressure go up - which it would because I was totally making it go up. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't get out of.
Throughout all of this, I was also struggling with the fact that my new full time job was being Ben's mom. Being a new mom at age 37 - when you've spent so many years building a life you love and are comfortable with - can be quite intense. Yes, I wanted him with all my heart and loved him from the minute I saw him but this life I've come to know was forever changed. And change can be very scary.
Today, I'm doing better. At the suggestion of my dad, I started swimming laps to burn off the anxiety and bring my blood pressure down. And it has come down a bit. I've been able to reduce the meds and I don't take my blood pressure every day. And as far as being a completely new person because of Ben - I'm 100% okay with that. I used to jump out of bed, excited to work but now I jump out of bed excited to see his adorable smile.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is - yes, my shop is finally open again. The Two Pooch Paperie shop is still a part of my heart and I'm happy to be back to work. But there's a new baby in town!
Stay tuned for new products in the shop, holiday sales and some other exciting things in the coming months. And for local folks, I will be at the Last Minute Market again this year. More details to come!
No comments:
Post a Comment